Paris Hilton has gotten . . . (well, it rhymes with "hat")

Those who know me, know that I am fan of nice hats. I suppose that's what makes Opening Day so much fun--it's just amazing to see so many spectacular hats off the rack. And those hats are spectacular.

But there is more to me than just a simple hat fancier. Readers of this blog know, for instance, that I am something of a cat fancier. But even though "cat" does rhyme with "hat," I am afraid that to the best of my knowledge Paris Hilton has not gotten a cat.

No, the sordid truth is that the innuendo in my title is that Paris Hilton has gotten fat. It's true that just this morning I was reading that she has also gotten busted for possession of cocaine, but that does not rhyme with hat. My interest is only in the fatness of Paris Hilton.

And, of course, the only Paris Hilton I am interested in has never been near cocaine.



You don't really need to tell me that "short" does not rhyme with "hat," either, but the fact is that this photo should indicate that without getting any taller, poor Paris weighs more now than she used to. If you are not convinced of this, let's go to the aerial view:



Yes, gentle reader, that is not so much a photograph FROM a blimp, as it is a photograph OF a blimp. Poor little Paris, who still scoots around pretty quick on those stubby little legs is officially wider than tall. The reason for this turns out to be pretty quick to identify. Being close to the ground and all, Paris seems to get to the hay in the pen before anyone else. And, like any good hardtime inmate, now that she has weight, she has apparently learned how to throw it around. Notice, for instance, how the taller (more slender?) supermodel goats give her room:



The first remedy for this was a common-sense initiative: limit her rations by relocating her to a pen where she would not have an unlimited supply of hay, and give her only straw for bedding and a daily food ration for nourishment. But it only took a day or two to realize that once she finished breakfast, she went right to work on eating her bed. So before long, the Paris Hilton solitary confinement diet was born: bare dirt to sleep on, and only minimal feed. With any luck at all, she will soon be looking less like Rosie O'Donnell and more like her namesake.

Fortunately, there does not seem to be similar issues with the burritos, 1 and 2.

Burrito 1 . . .




. . . and Burritos 2.